The Season of Darkness

Every time I talk openly about being a celibate gay/bisexual Christian I have people say something like “Thank you for being brave enough to talk about it.” Well the truth is that I have no choice but to be brave because so much of my life revolves around being afraid of what people think. Now obviously I refuse to let it paralyze or mute me but it is still something I have to deal with regularly.

And I think I have reason to have such fear. The vast majority of the circles I am in are conservative Christians and since they consider themselves in a culture war it is easy to see why they would in some cases dehumanize homosexuals. That is the nature of war. Both sides do it.

I remember vividly the day fear completely gripped me as my pastor's wife at the time made a joke about sending homosexuals as troops to Iraq so they could die. Now that isn't her mindset and it certainly doesn't define her character, but that passing comment she thought nothing about is still with me even to this day.

A friend and I were having a conversation earlier today and he made the point how homosexual men can't bond with straight men because of sexual orientation. I disagreed with his ultimate conclusions on that, but the truth is that even for me it is difficult. I'm regularly concerned that I will say or do something that is going to make them uncomfortable. And since I feel that way it makes me uncomfortable and then I act uncomfortable causes them to be uncomfortable and the cycle perpetuates. It will often lead me just sitting there quietly trying to remember to smile so no one asks what is the matter.

So when one rejects homosexual lifestyle and feels so out of place even with the most like minded of brothers then where is he to go?

One of the hardest times is when a deep loneliness overtakes me. I'm so thrilled for my friends getting married and having kids (I really love babies), but then it will often just sweep over me this reminder of how likely it is I will never have that in life. It makes no sense how I could desire a wife and children so strongly and yet they seem forever away. After all how could I ever really expect a woman to love and commit her life to a faggot? How could I guarantee I wouldn't fall into sexual sin? Of course committing adultery is horrific, but homosexual adultery? How could I take that chance?

After 10 years celibate and four years being “out” I still struggle with temptations and ask myself is it worth it regularly. I even ask if God could really love one like me when it seems like His people who are supposed to be in image can't.

Being called a woman, or sissy, or pansy, or queer, of fag, or any of the other things that are directed at homosexuals by my friends and acquaintances is difficult. I love joking and making funny comments about my friends as much as the next guy, but it's when it's not directed at me, but those I know that have the same attractions as me, that it really gets frustrating.

I never want to say something or bring attention to myself concerning that. I don't want it be my identity. I don't want my friends thinking “Okay, we have to be careful around Jason. He is a sensitive fag and we can't hurt his feelings.” No one wants to be that guy.

I want to be tough and strong. I want to make to stupid jokes and crack on one another. I want to feel like I belong, like I'm truly in a band of brothers fighting to ave all that is right and holy.

But most time I don't feel that way. Most times I just hide the fear and the pain and the loneliness and I just move forward one more day.

And that is okay. Because I know that even when times seem dark. Even on the days that I just want to die. Even when I look at my wrists and I think “What if?” I know that this is not the end.

The darkness is only for a season. The clouds will eventually clear and the rain will end (avoiding making a rainbow joke here. This is cheesy enough already).God will again bring Himself back to mind and my shame and guilt will flee once more. I will again be reminded that He is good and His love is perfect and perfecting. I'll again rejoice that He would adopt one such as me.

I will be granted a reprieve from the darkness, if only for while. And one day I know it will cease completely and in that my joy is eternal.

I pray you know this joy and this savior. He is worthy of it all.   

Hope in Him,

Jason Vaughn

Jason@HigherHopePromotions.com

Ron Paul and Homosexuality

With a another presidential election year upon us the informed public will once again begin to debate a myriad of issues from war to welfare to apparently contraception though how that topic made it to a national debate seems questionable.

One topic that will be in many circles is homosexuality. One candidate above any other seems to be a sticking point in that debate is Congressman Ron Paul of Texas.

Ron Paul, who claims to be and seems to be by many accounts a conservative evangelical Christian is a center of this debate because his stance seems a bit hard to nail down. He has said he believes “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” was a fair military policy though he has no interest in reinstating it as president, he believes states can vote to allow or ban homosexual marriage and does not support a marriage amendment to the constitution, and he doesn't believe other states must recognize those marriages.

For a republican candidate he seems to have gained quite a bit of support from the homosexual community (thought there is quite a bit of hatred thrown at him as well) and is supported by a strict conservative Christian homeschool community as well. It truly is an odd coalition.

Beyond those aspects what makes Paul even more controversial on this issue is that according to an interview in 2007 Paul alluded to the idea that he believes homosexual persons are born gay and that while he understands many people call homosexuality a sin he is not willing to, nor would he say that God calls it a sin.

From the interview it seems Paul's main point about homosexuality was it was more complicated than a simple yes or no.

For this reason many Christian conservatives have stated they cannot support Paul.

In this post I'd like to take the time to briefly explain why he is right and wrong in his stance.

Paul is really making 2 statements about this. First that people are born homosexual and second that because of this homosexuality is not a sin.

I want to look at them separately. The first question would then be is homosexuality nature, nurture, or a choice people make? I would like to make the argument that it is a combination of nature the environment one is raised in.

I understand many people will disagree with me on this, but please hear me out.

Ask any homosexual person whether they were born gay or not and you will generally get a definitive yes. Most people don't want to be outcasts or go through discrimination often from friends and family. It makes no logical sense to say someone would choose to be gay. There are some instances I've seen where a teenager will take on a flamboyant persona purely to gain attention and with shows like Glee making Coming Out the “in” thing we may see more teens doing it, but historical this is not the case.

Many homosexuals admit to these feelings from a very young age at the same moment their peers are becoming attracted to the opposite sex.



More importantly, the Bible seems to say this as well. We were all born in sin, and even conceived in inequity. From the moment of our conception to birth we are in rebellion to God according to Scripture. This has effected the whole earth as it groans and is fallen. If you need proof that sin effects our body then consider the effects of gluttony and slothfulness. Sins which I have committed and the effects are clear. We have this lie indoctrinated that we were born perfect, but the Bible tells us just the opposite.

So yes, I do believe it is part of the nature a person is born with at least the tendency is there. This is also in combination often with the environment someone with these tendencies is raised in.
There seem to be three factors that play into this as well.

1) Sexual abuse. I've never met a homosexual lady that at some point wasn't sexually. Sadly, this is often by a relative or family friend. This is also the case for many gay men.
2) An early introduction to pornography. As the ease and access of porn grows this is an increasing problem as it brings young minds to sexual thoughts and images their body and brains are simply not ready to handle.
3) And the greatest environmental factor is often a dysfunctional or non-existent presence of a father in their lives. So they never see what healthy normal relationships should look like they seek out someone else to fill that. They try to love the love of other men of flee men completely.



So considering those environmental factors it is no wonder we have such a prominent rise of homosexuality.

So to Dr. Paul's first point that homosexual persons are born that way we can agree, but does that mean that mean homosexuality is not a sin?

No! I tell you emphatically no! Why do I say this? Because homosexuality nor any other sin has ever been a sin because of biology. It is a sin because a holy creator God has declared it to be so.

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
(1Co 6:9-10)

The Bible is clear, not only here but in other places that homosexual practice is sinful.

There are all kinds of practices that the New Testament condemns that modern science has found a biological aspect too from excessive gambling to alcoholism. Murderers have even been show to high elevated testosterone levels.

This is where Dr. Paul gets it wrong. He talks homosexuality as though if people are born that way it is an automatic excuse.

Straight men are born with a broken sexuality as well that causes them to sin in lust, but we don't accept it as normal for married men to commit adultery.


A broken world does not give us reason to believe the Bible is wrong, but to believe it is right. That this world is effected by sin and in need of a savior.

I truly hope Dr. Paul and others will see that and base their beliefs on the Bible, and not experience. Only one is perfect and unchanging.

Until then Conservative, Bible believing Christians will each have to make a decision of consciousness whether they can support Ron Paul for president. Personally, with the choices before I have decided I can and will pray he change his mind on this and other issues I disagree with him concerning.

But beyond politics there is something each of us must consider. 1 Cor 6: 9-10 tells us the first part of the story, but it is the next verse that truly changes everything!

And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
(1Co 6:11)

This is the promise of the gospel of Jesus Christ! No matter who you are, or what sins you've committed the Jesus Christ, fully God and fully man took the punishment for all those who repent, turn from their sin and trust in Him.

Whether you're a homosexual person, or a heterosexual person you were born in sin and have broken God's law, but Christ is your way out from under the judgment of God.

Repenting and trusting in Christ doesn't mean you won't sin,but it does mean God has given you a new heart and this is one that longs after Him.

It's not about being straight or even being good, but about trusting in Christ. He alone is worthy.

Responding to Rutgers

A great tragedy occurred this week at Rutger University, but I believe an even great tragedy may have played out in the responses to the tragedy.

For those that are not aware, a freshman at Rutgers was secretly filmed by his roommate having a homosexual encounter and posted the video online. The young man that was filmed was so distraught that he committed suicide and the roommate and a female accomplice have been arrested.

It truly is a tragedy all around and on so many levels. It is also a tragedy that hits close to home. Both as a Christian who has been in the homosexual lifestyle and as someone who has contemplated suicide on numerous occasions I, in some way, can relate to what the young man went through. I have also been reminded this week how close another friend of mine who was outed in college could have come to a similar end.

So many emotions went through me when I read about what had happened. I was saddened by the suicide, by the roommate and accomplices betrayal, and that our culture is such that we find entertainment in the outing of anyone in this country. I was also angered for all the same reasons. I even felt a little bit of anger towards the victim for taking such a way out.

My emotional horror was compounded all the more when I began to read the comments concerning the story. Most were of sympathy and those comments I understand, but there was a large amount of other comments as well. Some of the comments were about how sad it is that people are ashamed of their sexual and how they should just be okay with being gay. Many of these comments included helplines for LGBT teens. The other side of the comments were ignorant jackasses who tried to use the Bible and the name of Christ to boast in the young man's death. Nothing makes me madder than people using to name of God to hate their neighbor.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a conservative Bible believing Christian to the core and I do indeed believe that homosexual practice is wrong, but I take no joy in anyone's death for my desire is repentance and faith for all who will.

That is really where the fork comes into play. The message the Christian should be sharing in tragedies such as this is not either of the above options.

First, we must hold true that all have sinned and that we all deserve eternal punishment. What we need is not a self-help program so that we can see ourselves in a better light and love ourselves for that would be a lie. We should understand that we truly are filthy and wretched before a holy God because of our sin whether that sin be homosexual practice, theft, lying, or hatred of our brother. We are all worms deserving of God's fury and wrath.

Second, we must proclaim that God in His infinite love for His people sent His son, Jesus Christ, to take our punishment for those sins through His death on the cross. He died on that cross, but rose again three days later to reign as King of kings and Lord of lords.

Third, we must shout that this God is so kind and loving that not only will He forgive your sins, past, present, and future, but that He will also deliver you from you shame. He died that you might be His.

People in sin considering cutting, or drugs, or suicide, or anything else don't need another inspiring pep talk. They need the Christ , the living God.

The challenge we will face when we tell people that truth is that we can seem opportunistic and taking advantage of a tragedy, but what else can we offer hurting people besides the only HOPE, Jesus Christ.

How great is our God that He not only takes away my sin, but my shame over that sin as well. He is truly worthy, deserving of all our praise.

So I beg of you to point people to that Christ. If you don't know for sure that you know Christ then run to Him with open ares he is waiting for you.

If you have any questions feel free to contact me at any one the ways below.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Jason Vaughn,

HigherHopeBalloons@Gmail.com

http://Twitter.com/JasonVaughn

http://Facebook.com/RepentAndBelieve