The Season of Darkness

Every time I talk openly about being a celibate gay/bisexual Christian I have people say something like “Thank you for being brave enough to talk about it.” Well the truth is that I have no choice but to be brave because so much of my life revolves around being afraid of what people think. Now obviously I refuse to let it paralyze or mute me but it is still something I have to deal with regularly.

And I think I have reason to have such fear. The vast majority of the circles I am in are conservative Christians and since they consider themselves in a culture war it is easy to see why they would in some cases dehumanize homosexuals. That is the nature of war. Both sides do it.

I remember vividly the day fear completely gripped me as my pastor's wife at the time made a joke about sending homosexuals as troops to Iraq so they could die. Now that isn't her mindset and it certainly doesn't define her character, but that passing comment she thought nothing about is still with me even to this day.

A friend and I were having a conversation earlier today and he made the point how homosexual men can't bond with straight men because of sexual orientation. I disagreed with his ultimate conclusions on that, but the truth is that even for me it is difficult. I'm regularly concerned that I will say or do something that is going to make them uncomfortable. And since I feel that way it makes me uncomfortable and then I act uncomfortable causes them to be uncomfortable and the cycle perpetuates. It will often lead me just sitting there quietly trying to remember to smile so no one asks what is the matter.

So when one rejects homosexual lifestyle and feels so out of place even with the most like minded of brothers then where is he to go?

One of the hardest times is when a deep loneliness overtakes me. I'm so thrilled for my friends getting married and having kids (I really love babies), but then it will often just sweep over me this reminder of how likely it is I will never have that in life. It makes no sense how I could desire a wife and children so strongly and yet they seem forever away. After all how could I ever really expect a woman to love and commit her life to a faggot? How could I guarantee I wouldn't fall into sexual sin? Of course committing adultery is horrific, but homosexual adultery? How could I take that chance?

After 10 years celibate and four years being “out” I still struggle with temptations and ask myself is it worth it regularly. I even ask if God could really love one like me when it seems like His people who are supposed to be in image can't.

Being called a woman, or sissy, or pansy, or queer, of fag, or any of the other things that are directed at homosexuals by my friends and acquaintances is difficult. I love joking and making funny comments about my friends as much as the next guy, but it's when it's not directed at me, but those I know that have the same attractions as me, that it really gets frustrating.

I never want to say something or bring attention to myself concerning that. I don't want it be my identity. I don't want my friends thinking “Okay, we have to be careful around Jason. He is a sensitive fag and we can't hurt his feelings.” No one wants to be that guy.

I want to be tough and strong. I want to make to stupid jokes and crack on one another. I want to feel like I belong, like I'm truly in a band of brothers fighting to ave all that is right and holy.

But most time I don't feel that way. Most times I just hide the fear and the pain and the loneliness and I just move forward one more day.

And that is okay. Because I know that even when times seem dark. Even on the days that I just want to die. Even when I look at my wrists and I think “What if?” I know that this is not the end.

The darkness is only for a season. The clouds will eventually clear and the rain will end (avoiding making a rainbow joke here. This is cheesy enough already).God will again bring Himself back to mind and my shame and guilt will flee once more. I will again be reminded that He is good and His love is perfect and perfecting. I'll again rejoice that He would adopt one such as me.

I will be granted a reprieve from the darkness, if only for while. And one day I know it will cease completely and in that my joy is eternal.

I pray you know this joy and this savior. He is worthy of it all.   

Hope in Him,

Jason Vaughn

Jason@HigherHopePromotions.com

How's that workin' for ya?

The inevitable finally happened today, Senator Rick Santorum suspended his bid in the republican presidential primary. Whether you supported him or not, you have to give it to him for coming so far while polling at 1% a week before Iowa.



For a while I was a big supporter of Santorum and even gave my first political donation to his campaign. After a while that waned as he showed some significant challenges. So then I joined the Ron Paul bandwagon. I had some problems with him as well, but I respect his consistency. After watching a debate where he seemed wobbly on whether the morning after pill (which may be responsible for many more murders that all other types of abortion put together) should be illegal I had to pull my support.



So now here we are with Mitt Romney as the presumed nominee. I know many dear friends that will continue shouting Ron Paul from the top of the lungs until November (spamming and annoying others to the point that they refuse to even consider Paul) but rationally speaking that is over.



I'm left with quite the predicament. I consider the Obama administration one of the most tyrannical in the history of this nation. President Obama has helped wage class and race wars since taking office. So it makes perfect sense to then vote for the person most likely to defeat him right?



A year ago I would have said yes straight away, but now I'm not so sure. It's not that I think the answer is no, but probably for the first time in my life I want to really weigh out my options before checking beside the “R.”



If I compare Romney side by side with Obama then Romney wins hands down, but if I compare him to the Bible then he fails miserably.



In no way do I believe that one must be perfect to vote for them, but I think their may be some realistic standards we should hold.



The real challenge we have in setting such a standard is that an elected government official is not spoken of in the Bible. Scripture gives many exhortations for appointing elders and deacons but is pretty silent on officials elected by the people. There are no governmental democracies or republics spoken of in Scripture (yes, Rome was a republic, but that aspect is not spoken of in Scripture).



So then what can we look to for guidance? Well I think there are certain areas of Scripture we can look at for idea. Ultimately I would say that whomever one votes for is not a matter of sin, but rather wisdom. So if a friend votes for Barack Obama, I don't believe he is sinning to do so, but he may be foolish in doing so (just as I may be for voting for Mitt Romney).



We know all authority is ultimately given by God. That means whomever is elected is truly in God's power. We can also understand that we have a unique responsibility to take part in that, but after it is all said and done elections fall just as God's sovereign will proclaimed that they would.



We also know that just because it is part of God's sovereign will that it doesn't necessarily fall under his moral will. God put many evil kings in place for a time over Israel and Judea to discipline His people, but His true desire was always for their repentance.



With all of that said here are some of my big hesitations with voting for Romney.



1. Inconsistency on issues.



I would rather support a man I disagreed with on issues than a man I can't figure out his stance. At least then I know where to stand guard. With Romney you just don't know what you're getting.



"What you are in public will never blind God to what you are in private." - John Blanchard



2. Romneycare



I have no idea how he side stepped this during the primaries. The majority of the nation was furious over the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) but yet we just welcome in the architect of the idea. Sure, what is allowable on a state level is different than a national level, but socialism is socialism no matter the scale.



3. The complacency of Christians when a republican is in office.



I'm not a Bush hater. I respect many things about the man, but he greatly expanded government's role and deficit during his tenure. When someone with an “R” by their name is in office Christians tend to stop paying attention to what is going on and blindly support whatever they say. This leads to bills like the Patriot Act and No Child Left Behind passing with nary an objection. With Obama in office many more are alert and with a Republican congress it is hard for him to achieve much.



4. Do we really want 8 years of Romney?



Four more years of Obama is pretty bad, but if we elect Romeny that is at least eight more years before we have the chance to elect a great leader.



5. Can I really prop up Mormonism?



I'm sure some will consider this bigotry, but since it's founding Mormonism has been considered a cult. They have so many heretical doctrines I won't even try to talk about them, but they absolutely are not Christians (something Joseph Smith used to state emphatically). Can I really vote for a cultist in good conscience? Does that not make the cult more main-stream and possibly lead people away from the one true God? I love freedom, but freedom is found in truth. That is something neither of the main candidates understand.



6. Has voting for a mediocre candidate really achieved anything?



It so often seems like we come back to voting for the “lesser of two evils.” Every time we vote it seems we're just holding our nose and keeping the vomit down as we select a candidate we don't really want. Don't you ever just get tired of it? Our society just keeps sliding down hill and instead of saying “I stand with a righteous man to rebuild the foundation” we say “at least we only fell a couple feet this year.” Is this really what I want to do all my life? Check beside the lesser demon?



Considering those objections what then are my options?



Abstain from voting for president.



I could just decide not to even bother voting for the office of president. Millions around the country do it every four years. Yet, I truly believe in the responsibility of the republic to be counted. So I don't think this is a great option.



2. Vote for a third party or write-in candidate.



Many consider this the same as not voting or even voting for Obama. I don't see it that way. Sure, a third party candidate is very unlikely to win, but a strong third party candidate in one election can lead to a great opportunity in the next. Maybe if we stood behind a godly man this election, though he may lose, we will have a great opportunity in the next election. Perhaps.



3. Hold my nose and vote for Romney.



I may end up doing this, but as of now I truly feel as though it would simply seer my own conscience to do so.



Conclusion:



I still don't know where I fall on any of this. I don't think either option fits into the scope of God's revealed will, but most likely one will be our president for the next four years. It could happen that God miraculous save either or both of these men and draw them to true repentance. It could even happen that a strong third party candidate does win. I have a feeling both of these would come as a result of a national repentance, so amen to that idea.



I certainly have to definitive answers right now, but I'm happy to at least think about these things. I know many will disagree with me on these issues and will hold to ABO “anyone but Obama” and I understand that. I'm surprised I'm not in that mindset myself. But instead of just being against Obama I'd rather stand for something and I think that something is found in the someone of Jesus Christ. I can't guarantee I'll make the perfect decision in voting, but I know that keeping my eyes on Him instead of the letter beside someone's name as I once did will bring Him much more glory.



To God be the Glory,



Jason Vaughn

Film Academy Day 2

Another amazing day at the film Academy, but I have to say I had a blessed time hanging out with the guys at the Grace House. It's an interesting house when you have 17 guys living there.

Had another fun day meeting some wonderful brothers and sisters. Met a guy, John-Clay Burnett, from OK who had worked on Ace Wonder and Pendragon. Nice guy I could see working with in the future.

The academy started the day with a great lesson from Geoffrey Botkin on avoiding directorial Mistakes. Again, I just enjoyed the Christ-centered nature of his advice, even down to the business plan. He gave us some great advice on why films don't succeed.

Botkin's second session of the day was just a technical lesson on structuring your story and character arcs. This layout and walk through will probably be the best technical advice I receive all week. He laid out what I need done at what page.

After lunch Geoffrey's son, Isaac, spoke on visual storytelling. He made 7 points to remember as you produce your films.
1) Editing
2) Composition
3) Color
4) Lighting
5) Symbol
6) Costume design
7) Set Decorations

One really cool moment was when they Skyped composer Bruce Broughton in for the academy. He was the composer for Silverado and many other productions. He has 24 Emmy nominations and 10 wins, the current record. He gave advice for the composers in the audience and how directors can work with composers. I'm such a schmuck though that most of it went over my head.

There was an afternoon symposium on documentaries that was inspiring. Two young men that have been working on a variety of documentaries spoke and that was quite encouraging. After hearing the reasons for making and starting as a filmmaker with a documentary I think I'll end up focusing my first project in that arena.

For the evening session Doug Phillips spoke on the poison of the environmental pantheistic promotion through movies. He spoke about hoe we've turned our worship from the creator God to Mother Earth (and Al Gore) and that whoever you worship is your sovereign. Along with The Cove and Avatar he also pointed out some of the dangerous evolution and Marxist elements of Food, Inc. (He did say it pointed out some real problems though).

I continue being amazed at the leadership of this group of people. I had dinner with a large group including John Moore (http://acewondermovie.com/) and Collin Gunn (http://indoctrinationmovie.com/). What a blessing it was not just to talk about films, but to talk about making the gospel central in our films. The discussion flowed freely and honored the Lord. No egos, no sense of pride in self, just brothers and sister is the Lord desiring to honor Him in all things. The LORD is good and mighty and more generous than I could ever imagine.

5 responses for the Christian community to the suicide of gay teens.

I was just reading more about the gay teen suicides. There were 6 in one week alone and that is just the ones that were on the news and caused primarily by harassment or bullying.

It's so hard to respond to situations like this. On one hand we must be sympathetic and on the other we cannot come across as supporting an unrepentant homosexual lifestyle.

The issue is really much more complex when we take the time to think about all the angles.

Below are some random thoughts I've been trying to put together concerning the Christian response.

1)No matter what the reason Christians should be on the forefront to stop all bullying and harassment. While all men are sinful we are also all created in the image of God. So no matter the reason for bullying (i.e. sexuality, body type, mental capacity) we should stand against it for the sake of the gospel. Sadly, many of the teens mocking these teens went to a weekly youth group. As much as we disagree with someone we have no right to degrade their personhood.

2)We MUST stop coarse joking in public and private about homosexuality. This isn't simply about peoples feelings, though that should play a part as we want no barriers to the gospel. It is about the how ugly and horrible sin is before a holy and righteous God. It is not something for us to laugh or joke about. Even in private we must guard our language. I remember so vividly standing next a pastor's wife on the 4th of July as she said we should let all homosexuals join the military so they could “go over there and die.” This came from a woman I respect immensely and had no idea at the time I had been caught in homosexual sin.

3)We must promote justice. While this is a very emotional issue we must guard against letting that cloud the law of the land. Some people are calling for truly intense punishment for those responsible for bullying and harassment because of their motivation. Instead we must remember that motivation should play little, if any, role in punishment. The one that stands out the most is the roommate of Tyler Clementi who film him engaged in homosexual acts and broadcast it online. While this jerk must be punished severely in accordance with the law he broke we cannot call for great punishment than if he had pulled a similar stupid stunt with a straight roommate. We serve a God of justice and must remember that.

4)We must stand against those who would call truth, intolerance. On almost every forum I visited people were bashing Christians for being intolerant of homosexuality. We cannot let their intolerance of biblical truth hold the narrative. While there are many people going around claiming the name of Christ and with the same tongue tearing down homosexual persons that is not the intent of the true Christian's heart. We speak out against homosexuality because Scripture does. We do so because we care about every homosexual person and want them to know Christ. We must speak this truth with such love that it will be clear that their hatred is of the truth of the gospel and not just the attitude of an individual.

5)And most importantly above all else we must preach the gospel. To every child, teen, adult, and elderly person; to every homosexual, bisexual, transgender, and straight person; to Budhist, Baptist, and Baha'i person; no matter the gender, race, religion, or sexual identity, there is only one message every person on this planet needs to hear and that is the good news of Jesus Christ. They need to know Him, love Him, adore him, and worship Him alone. They need to see themselves as they are broken and sinful. They must hear the call to repent and trust in Christ. None of the rest matters without the gospel of Jesus Christ.

In Christ, our Hope
Jason Vaughn

Responding to Rutgers

A great tragedy occurred this week at Rutger University, but I believe an even great tragedy may have played out in the responses to the tragedy.

For those that are not aware, a freshman at Rutgers was secretly filmed by his roommate having a homosexual encounter and posted the video online. The young man that was filmed was so distraught that he committed suicide and the roommate and a female accomplice have been arrested.

It truly is a tragedy all around and on so many levels. It is also a tragedy that hits close to home. Both as a Christian who has been in the homosexual lifestyle and as someone who has contemplated suicide on numerous occasions I, in some way, can relate to what the young man went through. I have also been reminded this week how close another friend of mine who was outed in college could have come to a similar end.

So many emotions went through me when I read about what had happened. I was saddened by the suicide, by the roommate and accomplices betrayal, and that our culture is such that we find entertainment in the outing of anyone in this country. I was also angered for all the same reasons. I even felt a little bit of anger towards the victim for taking such a way out.

My emotional horror was compounded all the more when I began to read the comments concerning the story. Most were of sympathy and those comments I understand, but there was a large amount of other comments as well. Some of the comments were about how sad it is that people are ashamed of their sexual and how they should just be okay with being gay. Many of these comments included helplines for LGBT teens. The other side of the comments were ignorant jackasses who tried to use the Bible and the name of Christ to boast in the young man's death. Nothing makes me madder than people using to name of God to hate their neighbor.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a conservative Bible believing Christian to the core and I do indeed believe that homosexual practice is wrong, but I take no joy in anyone's death for my desire is repentance and faith for all who will.

That is really where the fork comes into play. The message the Christian should be sharing in tragedies such as this is not either of the above options.

First, we must hold true that all have sinned and that we all deserve eternal punishment. What we need is not a self-help program so that we can see ourselves in a better light and love ourselves for that would be a lie. We should understand that we truly are filthy and wretched before a holy God because of our sin whether that sin be homosexual practice, theft, lying, or hatred of our brother. We are all worms deserving of God's fury and wrath.

Second, we must proclaim that God in His infinite love for His people sent His son, Jesus Christ, to take our punishment for those sins through His death on the cross. He died on that cross, but rose again three days later to reign as King of kings and Lord of lords.

Third, we must shout that this God is so kind and loving that not only will He forgive your sins, past, present, and future, but that He will also deliver you from you shame. He died that you might be His.

People in sin considering cutting, or drugs, or suicide, or anything else don't need another inspiring pep talk. They need the Christ , the living God.

The challenge we will face when we tell people that truth is that we can seem opportunistic and taking advantage of a tragedy, but what else can we offer hurting people besides the only HOPE, Jesus Christ.

How great is our God that He not only takes away my sin, but my shame over that sin as well. He is truly worthy, deserving of all our praise.

So I beg of you to point people to that Christ. If you don't know for sure that you know Christ then run to Him with open ares he is waiting for you.

If you have any questions feel free to contact me at any one the ways below.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Jason Vaughn,

HigherHopeBalloons@Gmail.com

http://Twitter.com/JasonVaughn

http://Facebook.com/RepentAndBelieve