The Season of Darkness

Every time I talk openly about being a celibate gay/bisexual Christian I have people say something like “Thank you for being brave enough to talk about it.” Well the truth is that I have no choice but to be brave because so much of my life revolves around being afraid of what people think. Now obviously I refuse to let it paralyze or mute me but it is still something I have to deal with regularly.

And I think I have reason to have such fear. The vast majority of the circles I am in are conservative Christians and since they consider themselves in a culture war it is easy to see why they would in some cases dehumanize homosexuals. That is the nature of war. Both sides do it.

I remember vividly the day fear completely gripped me as my pastor's wife at the time made a joke about sending homosexuals as troops to Iraq so they could die. Now that isn't her mindset and it certainly doesn't define her character, but that passing comment she thought nothing about is still with me even to this day.

A friend and I were having a conversation earlier today and he made the point how homosexual men can't bond with straight men because of sexual orientation. I disagreed with his ultimate conclusions on that, but the truth is that even for me it is difficult. I'm regularly concerned that I will say or do something that is going to make them uncomfortable. And since I feel that way it makes me uncomfortable and then I act uncomfortable causes them to be uncomfortable and the cycle perpetuates. It will often lead me just sitting there quietly trying to remember to smile so no one asks what is the matter.

So when one rejects homosexual lifestyle and feels so out of place even with the most like minded of brothers then where is he to go?

One of the hardest times is when a deep loneliness overtakes me. I'm so thrilled for my friends getting married and having kids (I really love babies), but then it will often just sweep over me this reminder of how likely it is I will never have that in life. It makes no sense how I could desire a wife and children so strongly and yet they seem forever away. After all how could I ever really expect a woman to love and commit her life to a faggot? How could I guarantee I wouldn't fall into sexual sin? Of course committing adultery is horrific, but homosexual adultery? How could I take that chance?

After 10 years celibate and four years being “out” I still struggle with temptations and ask myself is it worth it regularly. I even ask if God could really love one like me when it seems like His people who are supposed to be in image can't.

Being called a woman, or sissy, or pansy, or queer, of fag, or any of the other things that are directed at homosexuals by my friends and acquaintances is difficult. I love joking and making funny comments about my friends as much as the next guy, but it's when it's not directed at me, but those I know that have the same attractions as me, that it really gets frustrating.

I never want to say something or bring attention to myself concerning that. I don't want it be my identity. I don't want my friends thinking “Okay, we have to be careful around Jason. He is a sensitive fag and we can't hurt his feelings.” No one wants to be that guy.

I want to be tough and strong. I want to make to stupid jokes and crack on one another. I want to feel like I belong, like I'm truly in a band of brothers fighting to ave all that is right and holy.

But most time I don't feel that way. Most times I just hide the fear and the pain and the loneliness and I just move forward one more day.

And that is okay. Because I know that even when times seem dark. Even on the days that I just want to die. Even when I look at my wrists and I think “What if?” I know that this is not the end.

The darkness is only for a season. The clouds will eventually clear and the rain will end (avoiding making a rainbow joke here. This is cheesy enough already).God will again bring Himself back to mind and my shame and guilt will flee once more. I will again be reminded that He is good and His love is perfect and perfecting. I'll again rejoice that He would adopt one such as me.

I will be granted a reprieve from the darkness, if only for while. And one day I know it will cease completely and in that my joy is eternal.

I pray you know this joy and this savior. He is worthy of it all.   

Hope in Him,

Jason Vaughn

Jason@HigherHopePromotions.com

5 responses for the Christian community to the suicide of gay teens.

I was just reading more about the gay teen suicides. There were 6 in one week alone and that is just the ones that were on the news and caused primarily by harassment or bullying.

It's so hard to respond to situations like this. On one hand we must be sympathetic and on the other we cannot come across as supporting an unrepentant homosexual lifestyle.

The issue is really much more complex when we take the time to think about all the angles.

Below are some random thoughts I've been trying to put together concerning the Christian response.

1)No matter what the reason Christians should be on the forefront to stop all bullying and harassment. While all men are sinful we are also all created in the image of God. So no matter the reason for bullying (i.e. sexuality, body type, mental capacity) we should stand against it for the sake of the gospel. Sadly, many of the teens mocking these teens went to a weekly youth group. As much as we disagree with someone we have no right to degrade their personhood.

2)We MUST stop coarse joking in public and private about homosexuality. This isn't simply about peoples feelings, though that should play a part as we want no barriers to the gospel. It is about the how ugly and horrible sin is before a holy and righteous God. It is not something for us to laugh or joke about. Even in private we must guard our language. I remember so vividly standing next a pastor's wife on the 4th of July as she said we should let all homosexuals join the military so they could “go over there and die.” This came from a woman I respect immensely and had no idea at the time I had been caught in homosexual sin.

3)We must promote justice. While this is a very emotional issue we must guard against letting that cloud the law of the land. Some people are calling for truly intense punishment for those responsible for bullying and harassment because of their motivation. Instead we must remember that motivation should play little, if any, role in punishment. The one that stands out the most is the roommate of Tyler Clementi who film him engaged in homosexual acts and broadcast it online. While this jerk must be punished severely in accordance with the law he broke we cannot call for great punishment than if he had pulled a similar stupid stunt with a straight roommate. We serve a God of justice and must remember that.

4)We must stand against those who would call truth, intolerance. On almost every forum I visited people were bashing Christians for being intolerant of homosexuality. We cannot let their intolerance of biblical truth hold the narrative. While there are many people going around claiming the name of Christ and with the same tongue tearing down homosexual persons that is not the intent of the true Christian's heart. We speak out against homosexuality because Scripture does. We do so because we care about every homosexual person and want them to know Christ. We must speak this truth with such love that it will be clear that their hatred is of the truth of the gospel and not just the attitude of an individual.

5)And most importantly above all else we must preach the gospel. To every child, teen, adult, and elderly person; to every homosexual, bisexual, transgender, and straight person; to Budhist, Baptist, and Baha'i person; no matter the gender, race, religion, or sexual identity, there is only one message every person on this planet needs to hear and that is the good news of Jesus Christ. They need to know Him, love Him, adore him, and worship Him alone. They need to see themselves as they are broken and sinful. They must hear the call to repent and trust in Christ. None of the rest matters without the gospel of Jesus Christ.

In Christ, our Hope
Jason Vaughn

Responding to Rutgers

A great tragedy occurred this week at Rutger University, but I believe an even great tragedy may have played out in the responses to the tragedy.

For those that are not aware, a freshman at Rutgers was secretly filmed by his roommate having a homosexual encounter and posted the video online. The young man that was filmed was so distraught that he committed suicide and the roommate and a female accomplice have been arrested.

It truly is a tragedy all around and on so many levels. It is also a tragedy that hits close to home. Both as a Christian who has been in the homosexual lifestyle and as someone who has contemplated suicide on numerous occasions I, in some way, can relate to what the young man went through. I have also been reminded this week how close another friend of mine who was outed in college could have come to a similar end.

So many emotions went through me when I read about what had happened. I was saddened by the suicide, by the roommate and accomplices betrayal, and that our culture is such that we find entertainment in the outing of anyone in this country. I was also angered for all the same reasons. I even felt a little bit of anger towards the victim for taking such a way out.

My emotional horror was compounded all the more when I began to read the comments concerning the story. Most were of sympathy and those comments I understand, but there was a large amount of other comments as well. Some of the comments were about how sad it is that people are ashamed of their sexual and how they should just be okay with being gay. Many of these comments included helplines for LGBT teens. The other side of the comments were ignorant jackasses who tried to use the Bible and the name of Christ to boast in the young man's death. Nothing makes me madder than people using to name of God to hate their neighbor.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a conservative Bible believing Christian to the core and I do indeed believe that homosexual practice is wrong, but I take no joy in anyone's death for my desire is repentance and faith for all who will.

That is really where the fork comes into play. The message the Christian should be sharing in tragedies such as this is not either of the above options.

First, we must hold true that all have sinned and that we all deserve eternal punishment. What we need is not a self-help program so that we can see ourselves in a better light and love ourselves for that would be a lie. We should understand that we truly are filthy and wretched before a holy God because of our sin whether that sin be homosexual practice, theft, lying, or hatred of our brother. We are all worms deserving of God's fury and wrath.

Second, we must proclaim that God in His infinite love for His people sent His son, Jesus Christ, to take our punishment for those sins through His death on the cross. He died on that cross, but rose again three days later to reign as King of kings and Lord of lords.

Third, we must shout that this God is so kind and loving that not only will He forgive your sins, past, present, and future, but that He will also deliver you from you shame. He died that you might be His.

People in sin considering cutting, or drugs, or suicide, or anything else don't need another inspiring pep talk. They need the Christ , the living God.

The challenge we will face when we tell people that truth is that we can seem opportunistic and taking advantage of a tragedy, but what else can we offer hurting people besides the only HOPE, Jesus Christ.

How great is our God that He not only takes away my sin, but my shame over that sin as well. He is truly worthy, deserving of all our praise.

So I beg of you to point people to that Christ. If you don't know for sure that you know Christ then run to Him with open ares he is waiting for you.

If you have any questions feel free to contact me at any one the ways below.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Jason Vaughn,

HigherHopeBalloons@Gmail.com

http://Twitter.com/JasonVaughn

http://Facebook.com/RepentAndBelieve