The Season of Darkness

Every time I talk openly about being a celibate gay/bisexual Christian I have people say something like “Thank you for being brave enough to talk about it.” Well the truth is that I have no choice but to be brave because so much of my life revolves around being afraid of what people think. Now obviously I refuse to let it paralyze or mute me but it is still something I have to deal with regularly.

And I think I have reason to have such fear. The vast majority of the circles I am in are conservative Christians and since they consider themselves in a culture war it is easy to see why they would in some cases dehumanize homosexuals. That is the nature of war. Both sides do it.

I remember vividly the day fear completely gripped me as my pastor's wife at the time made a joke about sending homosexuals as troops to Iraq so they could die. Now that isn't her mindset and it certainly doesn't define her character, but that passing comment she thought nothing about is still with me even to this day.

A friend and I were having a conversation earlier today and he made the point how homosexual men can't bond with straight men because of sexual orientation. I disagreed with his ultimate conclusions on that, but the truth is that even for me it is difficult. I'm regularly concerned that I will say or do something that is going to make them uncomfortable. And since I feel that way it makes me uncomfortable and then I act uncomfortable causes them to be uncomfortable and the cycle perpetuates. It will often lead me just sitting there quietly trying to remember to smile so no one asks what is the matter.

So when one rejects homosexual lifestyle and feels so out of place even with the most like minded of brothers then where is he to go?

One of the hardest times is when a deep loneliness overtakes me. I'm so thrilled for my friends getting married and having kids (I really love babies), but then it will often just sweep over me this reminder of how likely it is I will never have that in life. It makes no sense how I could desire a wife and children so strongly and yet they seem forever away. After all how could I ever really expect a woman to love and commit her life to a faggot? How could I guarantee I wouldn't fall into sexual sin? Of course committing adultery is horrific, but homosexual adultery? How could I take that chance?

After 10 years celibate and four years being “out” I still struggle with temptations and ask myself is it worth it regularly. I even ask if God could really love one like me when it seems like His people who are supposed to be in image can't.

Being called a woman, or sissy, or pansy, or queer, of fag, or any of the other things that are directed at homosexuals by my friends and acquaintances is difficult. I love joking and making funny comments about my friends as much as the next guy, but it's when it's not directed at me, but those I know that have the same attractions as me, that it really gets frustrating.

I never want to say something or bring attention to myself concerning that. I don't want it be my identity. I don't want my friends thinking “Okay, we have to be careful around Jason. He is a sensitive fag and we can't hurt his feelings.” No one wants to be that guy.

I want to be tough and strong. I want to make to stupid jokes and crack on one another. I want to feel like I belong, like I'm truly in a band of brothers fighting to ave all that is right and holy.

But most time I don't feel that way. Most times I just hide the fear and the pain and the loneliness and I just move forward one more day.

And that is okay. Because I know that even when times seem dark. Even on the days that I just want to die. Even when I look at my wrists and I think “What if?” I know that this is not the end.

The darkness is only for a season. The clouds will eventually clear and the rain will end (avoiding making a rainbow joke here. This is cheesy enough already).God will again bring Himself back to mind and my shame and guilt will flee once more. I will again be reminded that He is good and His love is perfect and perfecting. I'll again rejoice that He would adopt one such as me.

I will be granted a reprieve from the darkness, if only for while. And one day I know it will cease completely and in that my joy is eternal.

I pray you know this joy and this savior. He is worthy of it all.   

Hope in Him,

Jason Vaughn

Jason@HigherHopePromotions.com

Lessons from a Cancer Scare

Two weeks ago I finally went to see an ENT (Ear, Nose, & Throat Doctor) about a growth I've had on my neck for about eight months.

I had been to another family practice doctor several months back and been told that it was probably a thyroid issue because my blood tests came back that I had a VERY under-active thyroid. I thought was either something that would either go away or that I would need medicine for that I simply couldn't afford. While I noticed it and was slightly concerned about it on a daily basis I wasn't concerned enough to really seek out assistance. It is kinda like the story of the dog on the porch that howled in pain because he was laying on a nail, but it didn't hurt enough to actually move.

Well I finally decided to go to the doctor since I had some minor insurance (really terrible, but better than nothing) begin. The ENT was quickly able to see me the next day and I was happy and anxious to finally get down to the bottom of the growth.

The doctor quickly made an initial assessment that I might have an enlarged salvatory gland or a stone, but after telling him the length of time I had it he changed his opinion.

After another brief examination of it and some questions he stated that “options 1,2,3, & 4” were that it as Hodgkin's lymphoma aka cancer.

I'm not really certain how I reacted at the time. I think I made a joke about chemo being a great weight loss drug, but I do remember a slight breakdown on the road home.

Since my insurance is so bad he referred me to a financial assistance clinic and I made an appointment for two weeks later.

I let everyone know about the news and was grateful for the sympathy and prayers. My mother of course cried and freaked out as mothers do.

I think the most difficult part, besides the waiting, was having almost every person you met tell me how I could avoid or beat cancer. I love the heart to help, but while I know many alternatives are great ultimately I believe in trusting God to guide to doctors He would send so I would politely nod and gather information.

I briefly researched Hodgkin's and discovered that it was every curable with an extremely high survival rate. I was honestly more concerned about the cost and the chemo and radiation than the actual cancer.

After two grueling weeks of waiting I finally had my appointment yesterday with the ENT clinic to which I was referred. I was immensely thankful that my brother in Christ, Matt Walton, was kind enough to drive me and stay with me. I hate waiting rooms. You're called a patient in a hospital for a reason because beyond any other test they'll have for you, the one you can count on is testing your patience.

Eventually the doctor saw me and gave me an examination. The first test she did was to stick a very long light and camera down my nasal cavity. She relax my throat, but what an extremely odd sensation. It made me think of the Magic School Bus for some reason.

The results were clear. I asked if I could keep the deep voice so I wouldn't be called ma'am at the drive thru but it wore off. The bitter taste stay for quite a while.
Then she ordered a FNA (fine needle biopsy) and I waited on them for about thirty minutes. I don't know why, but the idea of a FNA biopsy team made me think of ghostbusters and strangely enough four of them showed up to stick needles in my face. They gathered cell sample to test the growth. I don't know if this is what acupuncture is like, but if so I think I'll pass. After the fourth needle I was starting to feel like Hellraiser.

While waiting on the preliminary results I had to go have a blood sample drawn and schedule a CT scan that I'll have next week.

When I made it back to the clinic from the blood lab they had the preliminary results from the biopsy...

It isn't cancer!

According to the results and symptoms they believe it is just a benign tumor that can easily be removed through surgery. I was and am ecstatic! I still have a couple more tests, but great relief washed over me with that news.

After leaving the clinic I started making the calls to let everyone know the results. What great fun it was to deliver that news! My mom of course cried again, but this time it was with great joy, my dad gave me a hard time for scaring him, and many others cheered with praise to God.

So while I must still wait to have it removed I went around yesterday with a great smile on face and so much joy. I even announced it several times as I wen to a few places which must have been odd for them, but I sure was enjoying it.

I'm sure it is a rare thing for people to react to the news they have a tumor, but compared to what it could have been I welcome the tumor like an old friend (one I'll be happy to see leave of course).

I even went about singing “I have a tumor” at times throughout the afternoon.

I share this with you, not just to tell you of this great news, but to share with you a lesson I was reminded of through this experience: Always give the bad news first.

Learning I have a tumor is a great blessing because what I thought I had was so much worse. The same thing may be applied to sharing the gospel.

When we share the message of Christ the only way it can be great news is if they understand the bad news. Unlike the bad news of my cancer, the bad news of the gospel is completely true and that is that all of us are sinners and we are separated from a Holy God and are under His wrath.

We all deserve Hell. We all have lied, cheated, stolen, lusted, and committed a number of other sins against the law and character of our perfect and Holy God.

That is the bad news. It is absolutely true and unless you fully understand that you are a great offense to God then the good news is worthless.

But if you understand that you a sinner and deserve Hell then the news of the cross is eternally joyful. The only way that God sending Christ to be crucified and to take upon Himself the wrath we deserve is to understand your standing with God outside of Christ.
Christian, whatever you happens you must never share the love of God without properly explaining the holiness of God and His hatred of sin.

The gospel is meaningless unless God is holy and must punish sinners. The horror of Hell magnifies the beauty of Heaven.

Not only is important to understand for the one outside of Christ to know His glory, but also for the Christian to be reminded so they know the need to share the gospel.

If those outside of Christ were to simply die and end then missing the gospel is sad, but if we understand that they are headed for wrath and judgment then it will lead us on in proclaiming the gospel message.

Remember this as you face the bad news in your own life and how much sweeter the good news becomes.