Every time I talk openly about being a
celibate gay/bisexual Christian I have people say something like
“Thank you for being brave enough to talk about it.” Well the
truth is that I have no choice but to be brave because so much of my
life revolves around being afraid of what people think. Now obviously
I refuse to let it paralyze or mute me but it is still something I
have to deal with regularly.
And I think I have reason to have such
fear. The vast majority of the circles I am in are conservative
Christians and since they consider themselves in a culture war it is
easy to see why they would in some cases dehumanize homosexuals. That
is the nature of war. Both sides do it.
I remember vividly the day fear
completely gripped me as my pastor's wife at the time made a joke
about sending homosexuals as troops to Iraq so they could die. Now
that isn't her mindset and it certainly doesn't define her character,
but that passing comment she thought nothing about is still with me
even to this day.
A friend and I were having a
conversation earlier today and he made the point how homosexual men
can't bond with straight men because of sexual orientation. I
disagreed with his ultimate conclusions on that, but the truth is
that even for me it is difficult. I'm regularly concerned that I will
say or do something that is going to make them uncomfortable. And
since I feel that way it makes me uncomfortable and then I act
uncomfortable causes them to be uncomfortable and the cycle
perpetuates. It will often lead me just sitting there quietly trying
to remember to smile so no one asks what is the matter.
So when one rejects homosexual
lifestyle and feels so out of place even with the most like minded of
brothers then where is he to go?
One of the hardest times is when a deep
loneliness overtakes me. I'm so thrilled for my friends getting
married and having kids (I really love babies), but then it will
often just sweep over me this reminder of how likely it is I will
never have that in life. It makes no sense how I could desire a wife
and children so strongly and yet they seem forever away. After all
how could I ever really expect a woman to love and commit her life to
a faggot? How could I guarantee I wouldn't fall into sexual sin? Of
course committing adultery is horrific, but homosexual adultery? How
could I take that chance?
After 10 years celibate and four years
being “out” I still struggle with temptations and ask myself is
it worth it regularly. I even ask if God could really love one like
me when it seems like His people who are supposed to be in image
can't.
Being called a woman, or sissy, or
pansy, or queer, of fag, or any of the other things that are directed
at homosexuals by my friends and acquaintances is difficult. I love
joking and making funny comments about my friends as much as the next
guy, but it's when it's not directed at me, but those I know that
have the same attractions as me, that it really gets frustrating.
I never want to say something or bring
attention to myself concerning that. I don't want it be my identity.
I don't want my friends thinking “Okay, we have to be careful
around Jason. He is a sensitive fag and we can't hurt his feelings.”
No one wants to be that guy.
I want to be tough and strong. I want
to make to stupid jokes and crack on one another. I want to feel like
I belong, like I'm truly in a band of brothers fighting to ave all
that is right and holy.
But most time I don't feel that way.
Most times I just hide the fear and the pain and the loneliness and I
just move forward one more day.
And that is okay. Because I know that
even when times seem dark. Even on the days that I just want to die.
Even when I look at my wrists and I think “What if?” I know that
this is not the end.
The darkness is only for a season. The
clouds will eventually clear and the rain will end (avoiding making a
rainbow joke here. This is cheesy enough already).God will again
bring Himself back to mind and my shame and guilt will flee once
more. I will again be reminded that He is good and His love is
perfect and perfecting. I'll again rejoice that He would adopt one
such as me.
I will be granted a reprieve from the
darkness, if only for while. And one day I know it will cease
completely and in that my joy is eternal.
I pray you know this joy and this
savior. He is worthy of it all.
Hope in Him,
Jason Vaughn
Jason@HigherHopePromotions.com
